Selfish Heart
by Cadsuane
Summary: One-shot between Lya Cousland and Eamon; a discussion involving something that is a concern for both of them.


I wrote this one-shot for two reasons. 1) I wanted to outline how Lya sees the politcal ramifications of what she decided. 2) I've never liked stories that made Eamon a bad guy. Misguided at times, but he never struck me as particularly mean or evil. Just a little something to flesh out the characters, especially since I'm writing lots more using the Lya character.

Disclaimer: I have no rights to DAO, its characters or story.

Please feel free to post your thoughts. All comments and feedback are welcome.

* * *

Setting the pen back in its holder, Lya leaned back into the heavy wooden chair. With Alistair gone for several days, she was taking time to get caught up on all of her correspondence. There didn't seem to be enough hours in the day. How she was going to keep on top of everything once she was both Queen and the Warden-Commander of Ferelden seemed a mystery. Ah well, she would figure something out. That type of planning had always seemed to work in the past.

She flexed and rubbed her hands for a minute before getting to her feet. She walked towards the window behind her desk. Stretching as she went, Lya winced as joints in her shoulders and back popped and cracked. Yes, she had definitely been sitting too long. She reached the window and leaned against the casement, looking out onto the city below.

It had been five months since the final battle in Denerim and the city was recovering. Slowly, but recovering none the less. There was still a lot of rebuilding to do, but it was easier now to see how it could be done. Those first few weeks after the battle had been awful. It took days to put the fires out, and if it hadn't rained, they could have lost much more of the city. Worse than the fires were all the bodies. Both darkspawn and human, most had begun rotting before clean up crews finally started with their grim task. She shuddered at the memory of the stench and filth that had filled the air and skies from all the pyres.

Pushing the memory away, she allowed her gaze to wander. As she did, she noticed the light was still on in Eamon's study. He had moved into the castle upon Alistair's request, and as advisor, it was the appropriate place to have him. Lya frowned, sighed and rubbed her forehead. She needed to talk with Eamon, and soon. She had been putting it off, but couldn't wait much longer. And with Alistair gone for several days, this was probably the best time to do it.

Lya allowed her head to rest against the cool stones for a moment longer before pushing off and heading to the door. As she opened it, the two guards stationed outside straightened and fell into step behind her. Her lips twisted in a wry smile. She doubted she was ever going to get used to having to be guarded all the time. Alistair was having even more trouble with it. He chafed at the idea of always being followed, but there was really nothing he could do about it.

As she neared the door to Eamon's study, her steps slowed. Asking the guards to wait outside, she squared her shoulders and knocked lightly at the door. "Come in." She twisted the doorknob and entered, stepping in quickly and closing the door behind her. Eamon rose to his feet as she entered and bowed. "My Lady. It is good to see you. Please, have a seat," he said, gesturing to one of the chairs before his desk.

"Thank you, my lord." Lya took a seat gratefully. As tired as she was of sitting, these chairs were padded and looked very inviting. She was going to have to see about getting one for her study. Or maybe not. The hard chair helped her get her work done more quickly.

"To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit, my Lady?"

Lya sighed and waved a tired hand at Eamon. "Please, Eamon, in private, I would prefer if you used my name. I understand being in public is different, but I hear 'my Lady' and 'Commander' far too much as it is. And since I'll be adding 'your Majesty' in a month, I would really like if my friends used my name." She smiled at him as she added the last bit. While she disagreed with him sometimes, she did like the man.

Eamon nodded, accepting the gentle rebuke. He liked the girl. She was very much her father's daughter, and having her around made it easier for Alistair to learn to become the king they all knew he could be. He knew his time as advisor was probably limited, but there was no benefit to irritating his future queen.

They made a good match, he reflected. Her breeding and training coupled with her innate skills made leading and ruling easy for her. And Alistair had a knack for putting people at ease, for knowing intuitively what someone needed to hear. His easy charm made it almost impossible to dislike the man. And as they spent more time with each other, they learned from each other. Lya was far less grim than she had been when he first met her, learning that smiling and laughing would not make others see her as less. And Alistair had developed into a natural leader, finding that making a wrong decision was better than not making a decision at all. If they could all get through this, Ferelden was going to be a true force to be reckoned with in Thedas. He was rather looking forward to it.

She sat across from him now, looking serious. Her gaze was fixed on his, and Eamon wondered how many could lie to her when she looked at them like she was now. In private, Alistair had once confessed he was always a little nervous when she looked at him like that. _"It's like a sharp knife through soft brie, Eamon. The way she just looks right through you. No, more like into you, like she's seeing everything. She scares me sometimes."_ She was looking at Eamon like that now, and he completely shared Alistair's sentiment.

"The reason for my visit…" she began slowly. "I have needed to talk to you for awhile now, Eamon, but I've been putting it off." She shook her head. "I shouldn't have, but it's something I didn't want to think about." Eamon leaned forward in his chair. This was unlike the Lya he knew. She usually had no problem making decisions about difficult or unpleasant things.

"Take your time, my L- Lya," he said gently. From her demeanor, this was serious and he didn't want her to rush.

Lya nodded, thankful for the reprieve to gather her thoughts. She began again, choosing her words carefully. "You know how we returned to Ostagar, correct?"

Eamon nodded. "Yes. We were all grateful for what you and Alistair did there. The recovery of the King's arms and…Cailan's body was important for more than one reason." He struggled to keep his voice steady. While Cailan had never truly been the type of king Eamon wanted him to be, he had loved the boy. His death, especially the manner of it, had been a hard blow.

Lya paused, giving the older man in front of her time to regain his composure. When he was back in control, she continued. "When we went back, we also recovered some of Cailan's personal correspondence. One letter was one you had written to him concerning the lack of an…heir."

The slight shift, the quick flicker of his eyes looking away before meeting hers again told Lya all she needed to know. She didn't know how Eamon had found out that is was difficult for Grey Wardens to have children, and that it would be even more difficult for two of them, maybe even impossible. She supposed he had gotten it out of one of the Orlesian Wardens. All she knew was that he had found out. A couple of tactful questions had been enough to clue her in that he knew more than he should.

She leaned forward. "I am more than just the Hero of Ferelden or the Warden-Commander, Eamon. I am also a Cousland. I know my duty, both to my king and my country. I want you to know that when I announced that I would rule with Alistair at the Landsmeet, I _did not know_ about the issues that existed with Grey Wardens and having children."

"Yet, after you learned, you did not step down," he said quietly. If she wanted to be honest, he owed it to her to be honest as well. "You could have, Lya. Yet you chose not to."

She opened to her mouth to respond and then closed it. "I know," she finally said. "I could have, but…I didn't want to. Ferelden deserves the Theirin bloodline, I know this. It has produced too many good kings to just end here. And I know your concern about that. But I couldn't bring myself to do it." She looked at Eamon with a mute appeal in her eyes. "I was being selfish. I suppose I still am. And so I wanted to talk to you. To see if we could…work out a compromise." Eamon's eyebrows rose. What sort of compromise could she be talking about?

"But first, I want your word that you will not say anything about this to Alistair. _Not one word._ If it comes to this, I will speak to him. As much as I respect you Eamon, this would have to come from me, not you," she said fiercely.

Eamon nodded slowly. "As you wish, Lya. What is your proposal?"

Lya stood abruptly to pace, using the movement to help her gather her thoughts. "I have discussed this issue with the other Wardens. I have also sent a request to Weisshaupt for more information, but I haven't had a reply yet. From everything that I know, the longer one is a Grey Warden, the more difficult it becomes for them to conceive. For Alistair and me, it will be very difficult. It might even prove to be impossible. We don't know." She lapsed into silence, still thinking.

"If that is true, if we cannot have an heir ourselves, then we will need to do something else."

"What exactly are you proposing, Lya?" Eamon asked.

"What I am proposing is this: If I cannot have a child with Alistair, then we will need to find someone who can."

Eamon practically fell back into his chair. He wasn't sure he had heard her correctly. "You want Alistair, your husband, to…be…with another woman, to conceive a child with her? The child will be a bastard. Do you really want to do that to Ferelden again?"

Lya glared at him. "I happen to think the current _bastard_…" she bit the word off with contempt "…is doing a damn fine job. Make no mistake about what I am saying, Eamon. There will be no 'putting me aside' to make this happen. I have no intention of going anywhere. But if it comes to this, we find someone who can give Alistair a child."

"I see…." He said, rubbing his chin and regarding her thoughtfully. He knew what this was costing her. Eamon had seen the way they looked at each other. As much as he loved Isolde, he knew that what Alistair and Lya had been through had brought them closer together than any couple he had ever seen. He also knew that if he suggested putting Lya aside, it would go over even more poorly with Alistair than it had with Cailan. "And do you think we will even be willing to find a woman, with the right background, to do this?"

She laughed sardonically. "Are you serious, Eamon? Think of all the daughters of minor banns out there, all fighting for position and prestige. They would jump at the chance to bear the king's heir, illegitimate or not. The power and influence that would come with that is considerable. They would also think they could turn Alistair's love to them, most likely. After all, what king wouldn't prefer a young, fertile woman who bears his children to his barren queen?" Bitterness crossed her face for a moment before she schooled it back into a calm expression. "They would be wrong, but they would still think it."

Eamon accepted her reasoning for that. It was true enough. His brows furrowed as another thought occurred to him. "So, say we did this. You and Alistair could not have an heir and Alistair has an illegitimate one with someone else. What would happen if after that you and he ended up having an heir of your own? What would we do then?"

Lya also frowned. "I have thought of that," she admitted. "It would…complicate things, yes. My only solution to that point is the we be very clear with the woman. Any legitimate heir would take precedence, but that does not mean the other child is ignored. We would provide for both child and mother, of course, and make sure her child is capable should anything happen. The last year and a half should have taught us the folly of putting all our eggs in one basket." Eamon grimaced as she said that. He had done as Maric asked, but doing so had meant Alistair had been woefully unprepared when disaster struck.

"I know it's not a perfect solution, Eamon. But I will gladly listen if you can think of another."

He shook his head. "At the moment I cannot. If I do, I will let you know," he said. He looked at her thoughtfully. "And what do you want out of this, Lya."

She dropped back into her seat, reaching across the desk to take his hands. She suddenly looked very young and he was quickly reminded that this young woman before him, the woman who was now the Hero of Ferelden, was not even twenty yet. "I want time, Eamon. Time for Alistair and me to try without pressure. Time for us to just…_be_. Haven't we at least earned that much?"

He nodded. "I can understand that. How much time?"

She thought carefully. "Three years once we are married. If we haven't conceived after four years of trying, it will be unlikely that we ever will. At that point, Alistair will only have been ta-" She caught herself abruptly. For as much as Eamon knew, she was sure he didn't know _exactly_ why Grey Wardens had trouble having children. She hurried on, "He will only have been a Grey Warden for five years. He should still be able to father children. I hope."

He regarded her gravely. She wasn't actually asking for permission, he knew. If he rejected her plan and went to Alistair, all he would succeed at doing it angering both of them. No, not looking for permission, but support. If it came to this, Lya would need someone to help convince Alistair. She also needed someone to tell her she was doing the right thing. And if it didn't work, if the line of Calenhad had to end with this generation…. Well, he could think of worse ends to a noble line.

Her comment about being selfish also troubled his heart. He had done the same thing when he wed Isolde. He had weathered all of the arguments and criticism because he loved her, and he would do it again in a heartbeat. Could he really stand here and tell the two of them, that after everything they had done for Ferelden, they didn't deserve the happiness they had found? After they had saved _his_ family?

Eamon stood up, gently disengaging his hands from hers and came around the desk to stand before her. She rose as he did so and he enfolded her in a gentle hug. She was completely shocked for a moment. She couldn't recall Eamon ever touching her beyond a few handshakes or perhaps a touch on her arm to call her attention to something.

"Take your time, Lya. If it comes to it, we can discuss this again. But for now, I see no need to worry about it."

Lya swallowed hard as she returned Eamon's fatherly hug. "Thank you," she whispered huskily. Eamon gave her one final squeeze and released her, allowing her to regain her composure. Her eyes were very bright, and she was perhaps blinking a bit too rapidly, but he could see the relief in her body. He took her arm gently and guided her to the door. "Now, go get some sleep."


End file.
